The Once
by christiepark429
Summary: "Merlin kept the cycle going, knowing that it was the only thing keeping him going." Our version of events of what happened to Merlin after the series finale up until the return of Arthur 1000 years later.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer- **We do not own Merlin.

**A/N:** This is our first fanfic together, so this is sort of a trial update. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. This is the first part of two, this story being called "The Once" and the second being called, "The Future". We were planning on updating every Sunday, but that is just a guess for now since we are both starting our final year of High School. But we need to see if this is any good so we probably won't update for now until we get five reviews, (we just want to make sure it's worth writing). Anyway, we hope you enjoy!

_It's very hot out today._

It was a random thought to be going through his head, but Merlin was grateful for the simple observation. Thinking about anything else more relevant would be too painful at the moment. He was mindlessly walking through the dense woods in the direction that he hopped was Camelot. His boots and bottom half of his trousers were soaked through to the bone. Regardless of the weather now, the earth was still soggy from the down pour of rain that had happened yesterday.

_Yesterday when Arth-_

He stopped himself; he didn't want to think about such things. Things that were suddenly bringing stinging tears back to his already burning eyes. So he trudged on through the undergrowth of the thick forest, as he had been doing all day and all through the night before, the battle over his thoughts still raging in his mind. The good verses the evil, the random verses the painful. He liked the random thoughts much more of course, anyone would. They made him feel numb, and numb was good, he decided. So he'd think about random things for as long as he could. He'd think about how weird the shape of that tree was, how strange that Beatle looked, how good Gaius's soup would taste when he got back to Camelot, Gwen's kind smile-

_Oh God, what will I tell Gwen?_

And then one of the painful thoughts would interject, always at the most unexpected times. Just when he'd start to forget, it seemed like fate would remind him again. Then he'd stop himself, and make himself think of something random. Something numb. He had decided numb was good, after all.

_I wonder if it will rain again?_

So the cycle would repeat.

Merlin kept the cycle going, knowing that it was the only thing keeping him going. It took only another few hours before the white walls of the castle of Camelot came into view, towering above the trees. The closer he got to the cities gates the slower he walked. The realization that he hadn't slept nor eaten since yesterday morning mixed with the quickly growing dread of just entering through Camelot's walls made him fell sick. He felt his stomach cramp up from hungry and his vision swam in front of his eyes. This added with the growing headache and the fact that he had walked all day and night without any stops meant that it was no surprise that the moment Merlin made it through the cities gates, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he promptly fainted.

**A/N: **Tell us what you think! Review make us happy!


	2. The Return

**Disclaimer- **I don't own Merlin.

**A/N: **I'm sad that we didn't get any reviews for the prologue… and I know I said I wouldn't update until I got some reviews, but I got this done and decided to go ahead and update anyway and see if this chapter is any better, (maybe worth reviewing too?) And thank you to the two who did decide to follow this story. That made me very happy. Now I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 1: The Return**

Gwen sat at the table in hers and Arthur's chambers, barley aware of the plate of food that her servant Lydia had set before her just minutes ago. Instead she focused on the ring that was tightly clutched in her hand. She hadn't put it on, not yet. She wouldn't until she was absolutely sure Arthur was dead. _Which means I'll never have to put it on, _she reasoned, _because he is coming back, I'm sure of it. _

"Will that be all, Milady?"

"What?" Gwen asked, slightly dazed, looking up to see Lydia in front of her. She realized her maidservant had stayed and tidied up her room, Gwen hadn't even noticed her presence.

"Will you be needing anything else, Milady?" Lydia repeated, a hint of worry in her voice.

Gwen shook her head, "Oh, no Lydia you can go. You can have the rest of the night off too."

Lydia curtsied. "Thank you, My Lady." As Lydia turned her back to leave Gwen let her gaze wander back down to her hand where the ring was still held. In just a few seconds she became lost in her thoughts again. She sat in silence for a few minutes, when she heard the door to her chambers open.

Gwen groaned. She had preferred being left alone with her thoughts. "Lydia, I thought I told you you could have the night off."

"… My lady."

That wasn't Lydia. Gwen stood up quickly, surprised by her visitor.

"Sir Leon?" She took in the knight's appearance. He was bent over a little and was panting slightly, indicating that he had run the whole way to her chambers. His face looked neutral, Leon tried to be professional at all times, but Gwen could see through to the poorly hidden mask of sadness that was slowly starting to come through. "What's the matter?" She questioned, still slightly irritated that her thoughts had been interrupted, but not as much now that she had seen the state of her visitor.

Leon stood up strait, finally catching his breath. "They've found Merlin; he collapsed at the front gates."

Gwen gasped. She hadn't expected Merlin to return so soon. _No, this can't be right._

"Is he alright?" She asked quietly, worry for her friend coming making her voice choke up slightly.

"I am unsure, My Lady. A couple of the guards have taken him to Gaius, but from what I saw there were no serious injuries."

Gwen sighed and her body relaxed faintly, relief flowing through her. _That's one person I know is safe. Now what about Arthur?_

"Sir Leon, do you know if…" she trailed off, not trusting her voice to complete the question, because she felt like she already knew the answer. _Do you know if Arthur was with him? Please, I need him to be okay, I need-_

"He was alone My Lady." His voice cut through her thoughts like a knife. She nodded, looking down at the floor, unsure of what to do next. She had known that had been the answer, it had been expected, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I'm sorry, I know-" Leon was cut off by Gwen suddenly looking up and walking towards him, or rather _around_ him quickly.

"Come, Sir Leon." Gwen said as she passed him, her voiced appeared to be emotionless, but it was obviously forced.

"Um…" Leon muttered, caught off guard, "Where are we going, My Lady?" He followed her down the stone corridor, still immensely confused, but followed nonetheless.

"To see Merlin of course, I have to make sure he's alright." She said it passively, but he could still hear the wavering emotion in her voice. She picked up her pace slightly, seeming to walk more determinedly now that she had expressed her goal.

Leon hesitated, trying to choose his words carefully before speaking to the obviously emotionally stricken queen. "Are you sure that's wise My Lady? Merlin probably wont awaken for a while and-" he got cut off again when Gwen unexpectedly turned on her heel and glared at him. He clearly hadn't chosen his words carefully enough. Gwen kept up her glare for a second before she let her expression falter. For the first time Leon saw how much the situation had taken a toll on the young queen. She didn't look angry, or annoyed. She looked sad, but mostly, she just looked very tired.

"I _have _to make sure he is okay, Leon." Gwen insisted. She didn't have to say anything more. Leon could see it in her eyes, she wasn't going to give this up, and he couldn't bring himself to blame her. He just nodded his head in understanding. Gwen nodded back, and they quickly headed off to the Physicians courters.

Gaius sat at his desk in his usual spot in the physician's courters. At this time of the evening he would usually be making he rounds, or reading up on one of his many medical books, but at the moment he was finding it hard to concentrate on anything beside his young ward and the king. He was more worried for Arthur's physical being than he was Merlin's, even though Merlin was like a son to him; he still had that deep fatherly worry for Arthur. After all he had been helping to raise the young royal since he had been born. It troubled Gaius to know that both boys were hurting so much, and it hurt even more when he remembered that Arthur didn't have a big chance of returning home. He would grieve, but he would also be very worried for Merlin. He would heal physically, but mentally Gaius didn't know if Merlin could cope with flooding Arthur, especially after everything he had already lost.

Gaius was shaken from his thoughts when he heard a commotion outside of the thin wooden door, he was about to stand up to see what all the noise was for, when two guards came crashing in through the door, carrying an unconscious figure that suspiciously looked like his ward. After a few seconds of being understandably startled and then coming to his senses, Gaius realized that was, in fact, _Merlin_ they were carrying.

"Lay him down here." Gaius ordered as he cleared off the table. The two guards hurried over to the table and laid the manservant down gently on the hard wood surface. They both looked up expectantly at Gaius, waiting for their next orders. "You two can go, I need room to work." Gaius said, already beginning to check over his ward's body for wounds. The two guards nodded respectfully and left, leaving Gaius alone with his patient.

After looking him over Gaius realized that Merlin wasn't injured. In fact judging by his slight fever, swollen feet, sullen eyes, and a body that was on the verge of dehydration, he guessed that other than a few bruises, the only thing ailing his ward was pure exhaustion.

"Oh my boy." Gaius whispered as he set a cool cloth on Merlin's head to help bring down his fever. Gaius spent the next few minutes cleaning Merlin up and making sure he was comfortable. He was so rapped up in his care for his ward that he didn't notice when Gwen and Leon walked in.

Leon cleared his through. "Gaius."

Gaius looked up at them in surprise. "My Lady, Sir Leon." He quickly bowed in each of their directions before turning back to work on Merlin. "What bring you two here?

They didn't answer, Gwen just walked forward slowly before reaching the table where Merlin was laying. She took the unconscious boy's hand in hers and gently rubbed her thumb into the palm of his hand, trying to give her best friend as much comfort at she could give while he was asleep. "How is he, Gaius?" She whispered.

"He will heal fine, my lady." Gaius said, "He will just need a lot of rest."

Gwen nodded, and the hesitated, before asking, "What about Arthur?"

Gaius sighed and shook his head, "I do not know. I fear we won't know until Merlin wakes up, and that might not be until late tomorrow."

Gwen nodded again, she slowly set Merlin's hand back down so his arm was laying beside him like it was before. "Gaius, just, let me know when he wakes up."

"Yes, My Lady." Gaius understood the unspoken ending to her request, _Let me know when he wakes up, so I can finally find out about Arthur._

Gwen tried to give a slight smile to Gaius, but it came out as more of a grimace, before she left, followed by Leon who nodded respectfully before exiting. _

Gaius had been right of course, Merlin didn't show signs of waking up until late in the afternoon the next day. When Gaius noticed his ward starting to rouse, he had asked a maid passion by his quarters to go and fetch the queen immediately, just like she asked.

He sat next to Merlin now, waiting for the boy to finally break through consciousness, and for Gwen to arrive. Gaius watched intently as Merlin's eyes slowly flickered opened. It took a few seconds for Merlin's brain to process where he was, but as soon as he saw Gaius he sat up quickly, causing him to get dizzy. Gaius put his hands on his shoulders to steady him before moving a way a bit to give him some room.

"G-Gaius?" Merlin asked, his voice sore from disuse, and his face falling in despair. Gaius assumed he was remembering the past few days.

"Oh my boy, you're home." Gaius said, trying to cheer his ward up, but failing. Merlin gave him a sad look, tears pooling into his eyes.

"I-I _failed_, Gaius." His voice cracking, he was desperately trying to hold back a sob. "I couldn't save him." This time he didn't try to hold it back, he sobbed into his guardian's arms. That when they both her a small cry come from the front of the room. The looked up to see Gwen standing in the doorway, a hand covering her mouth and tears streaming from her eyes.

"Gwen... I-im so s-sorry. I tried, I really did..." he paused when Gwen quickly ran over to the table and collected Merlin into a hug and sobbing into his shoulder. "I tried..." he whispered again, returning the embrace.

"I know." Was all Gwen could manage to say through her tears. They stayed there for sometime, Gwen and Merlin wrapped in each other's arms, and Gaius's hand gripped gently on Merlin's shoulder, silent tears of his own falling down his face. They stayed there, even after their tears ran out, each one giving each other silent comfort.

**A/N: **Remember to review! Constructive criticism is always gratefully appreciated!


	3. Magic and Dragons

Disclaimer- I don't own Merlin.

A/N: Hey guys, so I was honestly going to give up on this story. I had only gotten a couple of notifications saying that people had followed my story and that was it. I figured if people didn't like it then what was the point? Then I went on my account and saw that I had a couple of reviews and some favorites. For some reason I wasn't getting any notifications for the reviews that I was also getting, those three reviews lifted my spirits enough that I decided to keep writing, if not for just a couple people but also for myself. I have a long plot line and a lot of ideas for this story, which won't be explained, or start until the next chapter probably. I also decided that updating every Sunday won't work, because some weeks I just won't find the time to type and some weeks I'll be able to write three chapters, so I will update as I go. (Which will be a lot easier now that I just got a laptop to use!).

I also feel like I may need to explain further of just what this fic is going to be about, since it's kind of hard to tell from just the first few chapters. It's pretty much my version of the events that happen to Merlin that take place between Arthur's death and the moment of his return. The first few chapters are going to all be placed pretty much one after the other in terms of plot, but after a while it will start getting spaced out until they become sort of like one-shots or drabbles, though a lot of them will have connections with each other in some way (I have pretty much the whole plot line including each little story planned out so that's not a problem). So just making that clear, in case anyone was interested in where I'm going with this story.

Sorry for the long winded author's note, I just had a lot that I wanted to explain.

Thank you to all who have reviewed and followed or favorited my story so far, it makes me so happy! (And I also update faster with them), I guess all there is left to say is, enjoy!

Chapter 2- Magic and Dragons

"Can you tell me what happened?" Gwen asked. The trio had finally let go of each other a few seconds ago when Gwen noticed that Merlin had almost fallen asleep. She couldn't blame him of course, even after sleeping for over a day she could see how exhausted he still looked. After pulling apart Gwen wanted to let Merlin sleep some more, but she found herself asking him instead. Seeing the pain crawl back into his eyes made her feel guilty but she didn't retract her request. She had to know.

Merlin nodded and sighed, before jumping into the story of Arthur's last few days. He carefully left out the parts where Arthur hadn't accepted him yet, partially because the memories of Arthur acting like he didn't want Merlin around still stung, and partially because he didn't know that Gwen knew about his magic. So after a while, when Gwen noticed that Merlin was leaving something out she asked her friend if Arthur had known about his magic, Merlin stopped abruptly. He stared at Gwen with wide, surprised eyes. He gasped after a few seconds when he noticed that he hadn't been breathing.

Gwen gave him an apologetic smile, "I've known for a few days, Gaius told me-" Merlin shot a betrayed look at Gaius, but then Gwen added, "Well I guess he didn't tell me exactly," She explained looking guilty, "I kind of guessed after he told me about Emrys, and then he told me about how... safe, Arthur was in your care. I put the pieces together."

Merlin relaxed a bit before asking, "Well what will you do... you know, to me?"

"Well Merlin..." Gwen hesitated as Merlin tensed up again, Gwen couldn't stop herself; she started giggling. Merlin's look of fear turned into confusion. "Merlin, do you honestly believe I would even _think_ about having you executed? You're my best friend, and you just saved all of Camelot!" Gwen laughed harder, and pulled Merlin in for another hug. Merlin started laughing too, not for the ridiculousness for which Gwen was, but because of the relief that he felt. After a few seconds they pulled away, and an approving look from Gaius, Merlin started his story again. He told them of how Arthur had started to accept his magic, and about their surprise meeting with Morgana.

"You mean, she's dead? Gone?" Gwen asked hesitantly.

"She will never be a threat to Camelot or its people again." Merlin assured, with a sad smile. The three sat in silence for a moment, happiness filling them at the news that their greatest enemy was gone, but sadness coming with it as they remembered their friend from long ago.

Merlin continued, "After that, Arthur started to... well he wasn't doing very w-well." He paused, trying not to think about what happened next. "He... I had to carry him, but I wasn't strong enough. H-he, he told me…" he cut himself off, the things that Arthur had told him in those last seconds were precious to him, and he wanted to keep them to himself for the moment. He shrugged of the sudden pause and resumed his story. "I was desperate… I don't know if he was e-even still a-alive, but I had to do something. I called Kilgharrah," the name earned a strange look from Gwen, "The Great Dragon.", he explained. This earned him an even stranger look from Gwen, but he decided he would explain further later, and kept going, "Kilgharrah took us to the lake, but it was t-too l-late. I-i didn't get h-him there on t-time, it's m-my fault, Gwen, I'm so s-sorry." All of his guilt and despair came crashing back down on him. His voice kept choking up, but he didn't let himself cry. He had used up all of his tears. He kept his head bent, he couldn't bring himself to look Gwen or Gaius in the eyes.

Gwen could see the inner turmoil raging in Merlin's head, but although she wanted to she couldn't comfort him, for the moment she was too wrapped up in her grief. However Gaius laid a soothing hand on Merlin's shoulder, unfortunately it did little to comfort his ward. Gwen suddenly found herself able to speak again.

"I wasn't your fault, Merlin." She found herself saying, and she meant it. Although it was always easier to blame someone in a time of grief, she couldn't find any fault in her friend. He obviously blamed himself enough already, even though it truly wasn't his fault.

Merlin shook his head furiously, "But Gwen, if I had just-"

"No, Merlin." Gwen persisted, her voice surprisingly firm. "Arthur was your friend, everyone could see how much you two cared for each other. From what it sounds like you did everything in your power to try and save him and keep him safe, and that alone makes me grateful, Merlin. So please, don't say it was your fault, Arthur wouldn't want you thinking that way." Her voice got weaker at the end, but the message remained true. Merlin stared at her with wide eyes, while Gaius gave her a small thankful smile.

"Now," she said, collecting herself, "I want to hear more about this _dragon _of yours."

A/N: It's shorter than I wanted it to be, but I figured that was a good place to end. I'll keep this short since the Authors note at the top is so long, I'm glad some of you are enjoying this story, because I'm enjoying it just thinking about what I still have yet to write! Reviews are amazing so don't forget to review! They are always helpful and make me happy!


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